We all know that asking “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” is a conversational no-no. It’s a no-brainer. It’s just asking for trouble. However, many of us may not realize that many things we say to each other, intending them to be compliments or just looking to relate, can hurt the self esteem of those around us.
I often hear some negative self-talk in my beginning burlesque classes. When people first come to the classes, they are often feeling insecure, wondering if they should have signed up for a class that is all about being sexy when they don’t necessarily feel sexy. Different parts of the Bump and Grind warmup emphasize different body parts, and women will often bring up their insecurities when asked to do moves that emphasize body parts that they don’t like on their own bodies. I am ready with responses that help smooth the insecurities and get the women to focus on their own enthusiasm and sexiness rather than individual body parts. I have developed these responses to help smooth the insecurities of the individuals who are coming out with negative self-talk as well as the women in the room who are hearing it, because negative talk can spread insecurity like wildfire. If a woman says something negative about her big ass or small boobs or whatever, every woman in the room who feels insecure about that body part suddenly feels ugly.
The problem is, the woman is often saying the negative comment in an attempt to get reassurance or to relate to the other women, not even thinking that it might hurt the other women in the room. She might not even realize how often she does this. Negative talk makes everyone feel worse about their bodies, even women who you may think have “perfect” bodies. We all have body issues, so I think it is worth learning how to talk about our bodies in ways that won’t trigger problems in others.
I came across a few great articles about this recently. This one and this one are actually advice about how to talk to tween/teen daughters to avoid negatively affecting her self-esteem, but I think the advice is equally applicable for talking to any woman.
Sometimes even a compliment can backfire. This article talks about how “You’ve lost weight” is often not a positive remark, and this article talks about how any comment on someone’s body can be negative and what to do in the face of unwanted body commentary.
Please feel free to comment with your thoughts on this. How do comments on your weight, whether intended as compliments or not, make you feel? How does it make you feel when other people criticize their own bodies? How do you handle this?
Body Comments – How “You’ve lost weight” can be just as bad as “Does this make my ass look big?”
Posted on October 5, 2010
Posted in: On the Web
All Kinds of Sexy 
marygood
October 5, 2010
it’s true! i recently saw someone i hadn’t seen for a year, and the first thing he said to me? “you’ve lost weight!” with still being 20 lbs heavier than my pre-pregnancy birth weight, the comment brought up the self consciousness i am constantly trying to navigate. 3 weeks later, the comment still bites me in the butt, daily.
thanks for this!
bombshellbetty
October 7, 2010
Aw. I’m sorry. I think you should get back on stage and let the screaming audience re-educate your self talk. 🙂
Violet streak
October 6, 2010
I could talk about this for hours. Having a daughter has definitely made me think alot about this. It’s something I struggle with.
I had a friend remark that her bf said I was beautiful and that I would be so much hotter if I lost weight! It’s funny how the insults stay with you longer than the compliments.
I’m learning to love myself and as I do my vernacular grows. Maybe curvey is a euphemism but “fat” is just adipose tissue.
bombshellbetty
October 7, 2010
Wow, I can’t believe someone would say that to you. You are beautiful! End of sentence. That’s a good thought, though. What are some more positive euphamisms? We have curvey… how about voluptuous… rubenesque… zaftig… Any others? How about curvalicious???
Along the same lines, some of my favorite burlesque names:
– sASSy Hot Buns
– Alotta Boutte’
hepfat
October 7, 2010
Even before I started being more cognizant of body positivity, I was always, always horribly embarrassed when anyone would remark on the fact that I’d lost weight. Most of the time, I was pretty sure I hadn’t anyway, and it just felt… WEIRD knowing that coworkers and friends were scrutinizing the size of my ass and my thighs – enough to be able to tell that I “must have lost around five pounds.” It’s creepy, is what it is!
bombshellbetty
October 18, 2010
It IS creepy!
I also find it creepy when random people (men AND women do it!) make comments on my appearance as I’m walking down the street. They think they’re being nice and get offended when I don’t respond positively or at all, but I don’t think they’re being nice. I find it invasive. Then again, I didn’t find it invasive when I was 16… but I also hadn’t been followed down the street and harrassed more than once after saying “thank you” to someone on the street. Hmm.
Violet streak
October 8, 2010
Calypygian is loving big asses.
I always like waif or pixie instead of skinny.
I like buxom. Zaftig is a good one.
I’m
Obsessed with Beth ditto of the gossip. Google her! She loves delta Burke underwear.
What I think is funny is how people think everyone should be pigeonholed into what they find attractive.
Lezzie McFaggerson
October 13, 2010
When I get a “have you lost weight” comment, I frequently come back with, “Yeah, the bulimia is finally starting to work for me.” I feel a bit mean, but like hepfat, I’m uncomfortable with the sentiment — and, frankly, I know some people who have lost a lot of weight through various kinds of sickness. You just never know what people are going through and how what you’re saying is going to effect them. I love to hear that I look good, bring it on! But don’t frame it in a way that makes me feel like I looked bad before!
Betty, you’re totally right about insecurity being infectious! It’s this weird girl thing — you say you’re fat, and I feel like, “wow, what about me?” Or, “But she’s so hot! My is so much .” Or, “If I say I like my , will people think I’m stuck up?”
bombshellbetty
October 18, 2010
Ha! Lezzie, you’re hilarious. I bet that comment would make people choke and blush, and that’s a good thing, because maybe it will make people think, too. And it’s so easy to compliment someone without making a comment about their body, but people don’t even think about it.
You’re so right! Most people, and especially women I think, are conditioned to argue with you if you give them a compliment and wouldn’t be caught DEAD saying something nice about their own body or looks. Sounds like a good topic for a blog post!!!
JupiterBlue
October 18, 2010
The worst thing about this mind-set is that it can cause you to miss things that are scarily unhealthy.
I witnessed this first hand 10 years ago. Background – I come from a family of people who have all struggled with their weight (both parents and brother) – we’re all quite tall (I’m 5’11, mom is 5’9, dad is 6’4 and brother is a whopping 6’6) and unsurprisingly we’ve got the matching frames to go with our height (big). This led to a lot of family diets over the years.
During my brother’s junior year in HS he dropped about 1/3 of his body weight. Because he was “still growing” and (in retrospect) because as a family we’d all dieted together in the past, we all were unabashedly proud of him. Never did we stop and say “Oh hey, this isn’t healthy!”.
We found out the first week of his senior year that his kidneys had basically stopped functioning. He was pretty close to dying of a stroke from his heart over-compensating for their reduction (amazing what your body will do to keep you alive).
Thankfully he was able to get a transplant and at 30 is quite healthy. But I’ll never forget how everyone around him (myself included) told him how amazing he looked slimmed down and how proud we were of him. When I think about how very, very ill he was and that time and that the weight loss was a SYMPTOM of his illness, it terrifies me.
bombshellbetty
October 18, 2010
Wow! I am so glad that your brother was able to get a transplant and recover! What a rough time that must have been for you and your family.
This is a perfect example of how we are all conditioned to think “fat = unhealthy” and “skinny = healthy.” There are all sorts of unhealthy reasons and methods of losing weight, but all people around us will see is the “positive” result of fitting into a smaller clothing size.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Silver Fox
October 18, 2010
Hi everyone,
I so get the negative body talk–I have lifelong issues with weight and body perception (parents who repeatedly told me that both of my sisters were smarter, slimmer, more coordinated, and prettier than I). I really do get it. However, I do want to put something else out there. There’s a big difference between positive and negative body talk and health. Shapely, full-figured, frame size, curvaceous– all of these are not the same as fat (>30% over the median fat-mass ratio). Obesity has very real health impacts. Specifically, obesity is often accompanied by a much higher incidence of diabetes and cardiac disease. Let’s not confuse being positive about ourselves and our bodies with health.
That said, I recently heard a very interesting interview with a noted researcher on female image. One of her suggestions for what we can do about our own images was powerful for me. Every morning and evening, we look at ourselves in the mirror while we brush our teeth and wash our faces, while we put on our make-up and do our hair. These are the first and last opportunities of the day for negative OR positive self talk. Is your inner critic or your inner goddess doing the talking?
bombshellbetty
October 18, 2010
You bring up an important point, however I really don’t think that encouraging self love regardless of body type and size is encouraging people to let it all go and stop trying to improve their health. It is possible to love your body exactly as it is and still strive for improvement. Think of it this way: I love my mind, but I still read books and work hard to learn more about the things I am interested in. I don’t have to call myself stupid to encourage myself to want to learn. I don’t focus on the fact that my memory isn’t as good as it could be. Quite the opposite. If I thought I were stupid, I would be less motivated to work hard and learn.
I think it’s easier to make positive lifestyle changes when coming from a place of self acceptance than when trying to make changes based on self-loathing. I also think that our society encourages ALL women to be overly critical and insecure of their bodies, regardless of body type. So yes, I think it is important to think about how we talk about our own bodies and the comments we make about other people’s bodies so that we are careful not to fuel the unneccessary self-hatred that is so rampant in our society.
So, keep in mind that saying “You’ve lost weight” or any comment about someone else’s body, while you think you are encouraging “healthier” behavior, could be damaging. You don’t know why someone lost weight or how they feel about it.
JupiterBlue
October 19, 2010
Yes!! Betty you rule for many reasons, but this comment is epic: “If I thought I were stupid, I would be less motivated to work hard and learn. ”
Such a PERFECT analogy.
bombshellbetty
October 20, 2010
Thanks, JupiterBlue!
Also, I just found out about a study that found that positive self-esteem positively affects your health: “Researchers in New Zealand have recently conducted a study on the health effects of high self-esteem and found that feeling good about yourself can positively influence the PNS, which in turn can help the heart. They measured cardiac vagal tone, a measure of PNS activity, and found that those people who rated their self esteem higher had a higher cardiac vagal tone.”
http://longevity.about.com/b/2010/10/19/self-love-better-health.htm
So, Silver Fox, this means that improving your self-esteem through positive self-talk actually does help your health! Again, I’m not saying feeling good about yourself as you are means you shouldn’t work to improve your health, but it’s a step in the right direction for more reasons than I thought!!! I imagine that good self-esteem also improves your immune function, but I have no handy link to any evidence to support that idea at this time. 😉
Holly Highbeams
October 21, 2010
I’m not so bothered when someone comments positively on my weight loss. It’s usually only friends and family who make the remarks after I tell them I’ve been trying to lose weight. One woman said something out-of-the-blue at a show and I felt good about it.
Now, remarks about weight gain are another thing entirely for me. I grew up feeling bad about my weight largely due to my brothers’ teasing. A previous partner’s loss off attraction to me as I gained weight was very painful for me as well. I just didn’t get how it was so important to him. For this reason among many others, I don’t think we were a good match. We got together when I was in my early 20s when I was very athletic and it just didn’t occur to me that keeping my weight down would be so challenging as I got older.
Once in the late 80s, when I was at a chili cook-off in Berkeley, of all places, some random guy in a crowd made a negative remark to me about my body size and I thought “what a jerk!” What bothered me most was the sense of entitlement this guy had about himself that he could make judgmental remarks to a perfect stranger. This guy was actually a bigot and full of himself. I think it’s fair to say he was a narcissist. I also think people who make inappropriate remarks about another’s body is basically not comfortable with their own.
Now, at age 49, I feel so much healthier about my body image. I am grateful having been exposed to size-positive activists in college during the 80s, at the now closed Says Who, and still open Seams to Fit shops in Oakland. And Fatso! on-line has been great. I love Rubenesque Burlesque, Lady Monster, my inspiration to actually take the stage; you know, the “I can T-O-T-A-L-L-Y do that!” moment, and Big Moves Dance.
Bombshell Betty’s classes and performing in burlesque shows has been so affirming and body confidence building for me. I have also had wonderful friends and lovers who have told me how “juicy” and “luscious” I am. It’s so great to have the vocabulary to characterize what I love about my body — this skin I’m in.
It is so uplifting to be in a green room and hear other performers make body positive remarks about themselves. You women are so right on!!!! It sticks in my mind that one performer recently said as she was putting on her costume, “The Goddess gave me double-Ds for a reason! I thought to myself… you Go!!!… and btw, thank you Goddess for my triples!
Thanks so much Bombshell Betty for your blog and the dialog it’s generating.
XOXOX
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